News Headlines That Are Totally Real…And Totally Ridiculous
Headlines don’t write themselves! A person writes the headlines. That’s not new news. That’s something we should have known already, so it shouldn’t really be a surprise to you. All the news isn’t necessarily fit to print, unless you’re trying to have a laugh about what’s black and white and read all over. No, these headlines aren’t fake news. These headlines are very real news. Which kind of makes us worry about the state of journalism today.
But they sure are funny. And if you don’t want to read the news, but you want to read about the news, then click on through. You won’t believe that these headlines were printed. Unless you saw the original newspaper that they were published in. Then you’ll believe it because you already saw it.
Breath Of Fresh Air
The science is still out on this study, because we’re still very skeptical of the results.
Has anyone even seen oxygen? Do we even really need it? How can something nobody’s ever seen keep us alive?
They can talk to us when someone actually sees oxygen. That news can be announced with a big huge newspaper headline. Until then, we’re taking this article and this headline with a grain of salt, and we’re not going to breathe any oxygen at all!
Lost In Translation
When you’re a writer, you deal with words all day, and sometimes words become meaningless.
Plus it’s better to not include a headline on an article. The headline can be distracting and take away from the real story, even though it is supposed to tell you what the story is about.
It’s better to write a bunch of gibberish. Go outside of the box on what good journalism is supposed to be. You make your own rules!
Give Him A Hand
This headline is making us have a lot of zen thoughts. Can the sound of one hand clapping against itself truly be heard with your ears?
And if there’s no hand to clap against another hand, can it truly be applause? Or can you clap against the wind?
If there is no applause, can there be sound? If there is no sound, do you appreciate what you are trying to applaud? It’s just a little something to think about!
Lost And Found
It’s a good thing they found the baby before someone tried to eat the sandwich!
It would have been really bad if someone found the baby after the fact, you know, after they ate the sandwich.
It’s a good thing this person needed to put mayonnaise on their bread, otherwise that baby would have been missing forever, and also they probably would have gotten really bad heartburn. Babies are not a good source of nutrition!
“If you don’t stop threatening people, you don’t know what we’re going to do, and yes that is a threat!”
“Don’t you threaten me about not threatening other people, or you’ll be sorry. I’m going to threaten you so hard!”
“Are you threatening me to stop threatening you about threatening people? Because if so, I’m going to threaten you so bad, you’ll make you wish you never threatened anything thin the first place! You’ll be sorry!”
Too Little Too Late
It takes a big man not to go with the easy headline. Writing something like this takes little skill.
To be honest, this headline has kind of left us high and dry. Do you get it?
This writer doesn’t deserve a raise. Do you want us to make more size jokes? Because we can be here all day if you really want. Although, something tells us that you don’t want us to do that. So we’ll stop.
It’s the oldest question regarding the oldest profession. And it’s one we can’t answer, mostly because we aren’t sure what they mean.
And we’re not sure we want to know what they mean. We’d rather not think about it too hard.
We’re just pretty uncomfortable with the idea of prostitutes getting stiffed – not like that. Or maybe like that. Which way were you thinking about it? Were you thinking about it the same way we were?
Dead Or Alive
Wow. That’s really sad and shocking. Sometimes the headlines draw attention to something we had no awareness of.
To think, Princess Diana was actually alive before she died. And to make things worse, she was actually in this state of living for 36 years before she passed on?
Can you imagine? Living, breathing, and otherwise generally not being dead for such a long period of time? It’s such a shame. Things must have been rough for her!
The Day The Music Didn't Die
Hard news isn’t easy to take. There are times we turn on the TV to learn something we didn’t want to know.
How is the music industry going to continue on, what with this shocking, breaking news and all?
Will we ever been the same? Will Kanye ever be the same, even though nothing is different for him? Those are the burning, pressing questions we’re going to need to know in a super relevant follow up story.
Full Of Pooh
When you see certain people go into the bathroom, you know they’re going to take a long time.
You don’t know what they’re doing in there, but you know whatever it is, it’s going to be bad.
But you had no idea it was something on this magnitude – passing a very large stuffed teddy bear. That accounts for all of the grunting and sounds and weird smell. It takes a lot of work to get this out of your system.
Weather Or Not
Meteorologists are not ordinary men! They are gods among men! They do not tell us what the weather is going to do.
They tell the weather what the weather is going to do. It rains on their command, and is sunny on their command.
If it were not for them, the weather would be total chaos! We would never experience any weather, because nobody would be around to make it happen. We should all be grateful to them!
Ugh. Babies ruin everything. Everything. Now they’re ruining the number of people on this planet!
We would have so many less people if there never were any babies. Why, if there had never been a single baby in this world, just imagine how few people there would be!
It’s almost like they’re trying to make it so there’s more people in the world. It’s almost like that’s the whole point of them existing, to become people who populate the earth!
Was there a Black Friday sale and the Pope was just really excited to get a discount on a flat screen TV?
Or was the Pope just not watching where he was going and there were six people in his way that he didn’t notice?
We’re not sure how this could happen, but we are sure we’d also be one of the people there watching if we had known about this event in advance. Thanks for telling us about it too late, newspaper!
Nothing But Mammals
George Clooney isn’t the hero we need, but he’s the hero we deserve, kind of sort of maybe.
Not all heroes wear capes, and not all heroes solve crimes or rescue people or don’t not commit beastiality.
We’re looking to see this come out as a Marvel movie – Dog Lover Man! He… well… it should be obvious what he does. And he’s going to be played by, well, he’s probably not going to be played by George Clooney.
It’s true what they say. You really do learn something new each and every day.
One thing that we just learned is they let Captain Obvious write newspaper headlines, and that he’s really, really good at it, too.
Captain Obvious should quit his day job as someone who points out the obvious because writing headlines seems like it’s going to work out for him really well. Captain Obvious is our favorite superhero, right behind Dog Lover Man!
Life is, like, hard for some people. And their struggles can and should make national news.
Can you even imagine what this guy had to go through? To be wearing one shirt and then having to wear another one?
It really makes you treasure what you have in life, your one shirt that you’re wearing that nobody is making you change. Each day is a gift if you’re lucky enough to wear whatever shirt that you’re wearing that day.
This standoff is more riveting than the O.J. Simpson Ford Bronco car chase! We’re sure more people were glued to their TVs than that famous high speed chase.
We’re sure that pug wouldn’t pick a fight unless he knew he could take whoever he was fighting.
You don’t even mess with a pug unless you want to have your butt handed to you on a paper plate. Pugs are the one dog who mean business!
Giving The Finger
Sure, that’s something that happens in the corporate world, but is it really worth making it a headline?
It seems like this is something kind of personal, and totally their prerogative if they want to do this kind of thing.
We don’t need to really read about what’s going on in The Wall Street Journal. Or maybe we do. Because we’re totally a sucker for gossip. We gotta read all of the juicy details of this story!
The Struggle Is Real
We totally thought that planes actually worked because of magic before we saw this headline.
Now we know that’s not true, and planes run on something known as “fuel.” We’re not sure what this “fuel” is, but we know it has something to do with planes staying in the air.
We think it might be a type of a wish, and that if you wish hard enough, a plane will keep on going. That’s our best guess.
These two cartoon characters have done so much damage to this world. We can’t stand how senselessly evil these two characters are.
After they were caught, all crime in the city stopped. The citizens were safe, and peace and harmony broke out because they were off the streets.
It’s always the quiet, plushy ones that cause the most trouble in the world. The ones you least suspect. Thank goodness the streets are safe from the chaos they caused once again!