These 20 Tweets Perfectly Sum Up What It’s Like To Be Married

By lheidi - August 12, 2019

Marriage is an experience like nothing else. Many people have tried to capture exactly what it’s like to be married, and a lot of people have come close, but nobody has been spot on. Until now. Thanks to Twitter, we can explore all of the nuances of marriage in a way that has never been done before. All those nights of not sharing the blanket. All of those fights over literally nothing. All of that wondering why you would ever do something as stupid as getting married. They are all expressed on Twitter in a way that makes us say, “Yes! That’s us exactly!” And then they make us cry, because we realize that that’s us exactly.

Twitter might not be able to tell you why you got married, or why you continue to stay married, but it can definitely tell you what it’s like. Click through to see some of the funniest Tweets about marriage.

This Sucks


It’s a good thing to know that your wife has her priorities straight when it coms to aliens invading the Earth.

Who knows what kinds of space dirt those aliens stepped in? They might be tracking all sorts of astro dust into the house.

And if the aliens capture you guys and take you to their spaceship, your wife won’t be able to clean the carpet again, and it’ll just be there dirty when the news cameras come.

Send Noods


There gets to a point in any marriage when the thing that excites you most is the idea of food.

There’s literally nothing better than a big bowl of pasta waiting for you when you come home.

Sometimes, seeing a giant bowl of noodles with sauce on it when you get home is better than seeing your spouse, because you know the noodles aren’t going to give you a hard time because you didn’t make the bed in the morning.

Movie Night


How hard is it to understand that you can’t watch a movie without your wife, but also your wife is going to sleep all the way through it?

Yes, it’s possible to get through movies that way.

You’re going to end up watching five minutes of a movie at a time, but you’ll be able to get through them. It might take you five years to get through one movie, but you’ll end up finishing it, though.

Mega Man


When it comes to making husband mistakes, you have to go big or go home.

Otherwise, your wife might not even register it as a mistake. She might just think that you’re doing regular husband stuff.

So if you really want to get her attention with messing things up husband style, you have to mess things up in the biggest way possible. You might even need to start a small fire at Costco while you’re at it.

Hairy Situation


Growing chin hairs when you’re a woman is a part of getting older that nobody tells you about.

They just let it happen, and then one day it’s, “Surprise! This is a thing that all women go through and it sucks!”

This women is the hero we all need, because she’s letting it all out in public, warning the future generations that this will be them one day, and it’s not going to be pretty when it happens.

Getting Dirty


When you’re married, doing chores ends up being kind of a big deal. Bigger than you think it would ever be.

Husbands, if you want to make your wives marry you all over again, all you have to do is clean up the house.

You don’t even have to clean up the whole house. Just a fraction of the house will do. Maybe even just a small, out of the way corner in the living room. That’ll be enough.

Biggest Fan


You know what they say, if the person in the bathroom before you takes a long time in it, then you’re not going to want to use the bathroom when they’re done.

It’s the one thing in life that you can count on.

No matter what they’re doing in there, if they take a longer than average time, that bathroom is going to be completely unusable for a while after they walk out of it. That’s a fact.

Rest Up


The funny thing about this Tweet is that you actually never end up hearing these words.

If you try to take food off you’re wife’s plate, she’s going to try to defend her food, even if it’s a fight to the death.

Don’t even think of touching your wife’s food unless you want to lose a hand. Because that’s the only way it’s going to end. You really have to ask yourself if that fry is worth it.

Life's A Beach


We’re honestly kind of surprised to find out that number is as low as it is.

We’re pretty sure that the real statistic is actually higher. Can we see the scientific study that found that out?

They might have been using too small of a sampling or the husbands might have not wanted to admit that they clipped their toes. Because the data has got to be skewed. We’re surprised that it isn’t over 30% of marriages.

Marathon Man


If you want your wife to not go to the bathroom, why don’t you just give her an iPad with Desperate Housewives on it?

It’s kind of like putting Depends on her, except it works a lot better and you don’t have to change anything.

Seriously, the solution is right there in the problem. If you ask the question, you’ll find the answer. And that answer involves binging on really soapy television until you’re about to burst.

A Dog's Life


Listen, your dog is going to get a lot more love than your husband, and there’s a very good reason for that.

When you sleep next to your dog, he’s not going to keep you awake all night with his snoring.

When your husband learns how to behave as well as your dog, then he can be the first person to be greeted when you come home at the end of the day. But until then, the dog is number one.

Throwing Shade


Marriage, like anything else, has seasons. And all of those seasons are just different things that you fight over.

And spoiler alert: most of those fights are just over the temperature. Because your wife is too cold all the time.

In the winter, she just asks for your jacket all the time. In the summer, she also just asks for your jacket all the time. You didn’t know that summer could be freezing until you got married.

Talk To Text


Who says that the romance dies once you get married? It still stays alive, it just expresses itself in a different way.

You just have to get really creative with the romance, and it might be different from what other people consider romance, but it’s there.

You might have to look really hard for it and maybe even squint to see it. You might have to break out a microscope to really get a look, but it’s there.

Pizza Party


There’s always room for pizza, no matter how full you are. Even if your stomach is 100% full, you can always squeeze in another slice.

It’s pizza. It’s physically impossible to not eat it if someone brings it out.

We dare you to try to not eat pizza if someone brings out a box of it. You can’t, can you? We thought so. There’s just something about pizza that makes it completely irresistible to humans. That’s just science.

Feel Like Chicken Tonight


They say you should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry, because you’ll end up with food that you don’t need.

But is there really a such thing as food that you don’t need? The answer to that is no. It’s food. You always need it in your life.

Even if you buy 40 boxes of something that looked good because you saw it on sale, but it actually turns out it’s gross. You still need it in your life.

Shower Power


Not all superheroes wear capes, and not all people who wear capes are superheroes.

But some people who wear capes are super heroes, they’re just a super hero in their own, weird, husband-y way.

If it gets him to clean the shower, it gets him to clean the shower, and that’s the important thing – not the fact that your husband is dragging a whole bunch of mildew through the house while acting like a child.

Cruise Control


When you get married, you make vows, and those vows are sacred things that you can’t break.

One of those vows, now that Netflix is a thing, is to not watch TV shows that you both want to watch without your spouse.

What are you going to do? Pretend you don’t know what happens in Stranger Things? Do you know what it’s like to keep that much of a secret from someone? It’ll eat you up alive. Just don’t watch it.

If The Shoe Fits


If your wife asks you what you think of her clothes, you have to prepare your arguments as if you’re a lawyer.

In fact, what you think about the shoes might be more important than any closing argument a lawyer could ever prepare.

She is going to grill you about what you think, and you better be able to back up what you’re planning to say. It’s shoes. It matters. Do you want her to go out in the wrong shoes?

High And Mighty


Having your husband call you “Your Highness” is relationship goals. How do we make this happen in our lives?

Now that we know it’s possible to get a husband to do this, we’ll never be happy until we are capable of doing it ourselves.

How did this woman do this? Did she give her husband treats? is that how she trained him? Did she use positive reinforcement? Or did she spray him with a bottle every time he didn’t?

Hear Me Out


We need to hear this. We needed to hear all of this. All the time.

We’re pretty sure we’re not the only person who needed to hear this, too. It’s something everyone needs to hear if you’re married.

Because it’s one of those universal truths. Being tired is a competition in every marriage. It’s something that you fight for, and the winner gets a gold medal. And a nap. There can only be one winner in this.